I used to be the girl that pinned inspirational quotes and snippets of poetry and pictures of places I wanted to travel on Pinterest. I had an entire board dedicated to the future I wanted and every single picture was of a cute baby or a pregnant mother or a sweet family moment. I was a girl who woke up every day with the vast, bright possibility of an unknown future in front of me, and while I was sometimes afraid at the sheer size of it, there was an incorrigibly hopeful piece of me that believed with all her heart that she would live the future she imagined.
I still remember sitting on my bed with a stack of notebook paper in front of me, making my “life list” a la Walk to Remember. It had a total of 100 items on it, from wearing a flower crown at my wedding to seeing the sun rise on every continent of the world. When you’re 17, and you’re making a list of all the things you want to accomplish in your life, anything seems possible. Your entire adult life is before you, an alarming number of years with which to fill life experiences and achievements.
Looking back on these things now is an interesting experience. Life, of course, never turns out how you expect it to, a lesson I’ve definitely learned in the past five years. Part of growing up is understanding which goals and dreams to pursue, and what to prioritize in order to live the life that will bring you the most peace and contentment. While I probably won’t check off every one of the 100 things I wrote on that list, I can choose the things that are the most important to me and work towards those with the best of my efforts. I’ve been listening to Billie Eilish’s new album a lot, (hence the title), and like her I feel like I’m getting older and watching the dreams of my past shift shape before my eyes and feeling myself slowly change as I go through life in ways I never expected to.
Something that I have learned in the past few years however, is that those Pinterest boards of babies and little ones were an indicator of something I only partially admitted to myself even then. Being a mother has always been my biggest dream. There is no goal or achievement in the entire world that I’ve ever wanted worse than I want that. Call me a simple soul, or not ambitious enough, (believe me, no one knows it better than I do), but if I’m completely honest with myself it’s the strongest pull I’ve ever felt.
I always wanted to be a young mom, to use the early years of my adulthood towards growing and nurturing little lives. I wanted to look cute and youthful with a baby on my hip, to have energy to chase kids around and to still be young by the time they reached adulthood. I look at other girls my age who have babies already and I can’t help but long for what they have. Getting married at 19 made me feel like being a young mom was a guarantee. Now at 22 I’m by no means getting gray hairs, but I don’t want to wait much longer than I already have.
When I first started this post, I really didn’t intend to talk about this. But it’s constantly on my mind lately. The thought that this dream of mine probably won’t be coming true any time soon can turn the world grey when it’s 3 pm on a Tuesday and I’m sitting at work and realizing I’ve spent my entire day staring at a screen until my eyes glaze over, that yet another day is almost over and I’ve done nothing more than waste space in an office chair and get a little bit more depressed.
Last week I talked about being on a spiritual journey, but I’ve been on a journey in other areas as well. I’ve been on a journey of trying to find contentment in circumstances that aren’t ideal. I’ve been on a journey of trying to take steps towards finding my true purpose in life, even when it feels like they’re not taking me anywhere. I’ve been on a journey of accomplishing lifelong dreams even when they aren’t being accomplished in the ideal way I may have imagined.
I published my first book this year. I started a YouTube channel. I’ve been taking these steps in a way that feels like stumbling around in the dark, hoping that I’ll be able to start something that will help me live my dreams. But this past week I came to the realization that I need to become truly intentional about escaping my job, becoming independent, and working on the life I want to live. There’s only so long you can live hating your life before you either become bitter or dedicate yourself to change. And I choose the latter, because becoming bitter has never worked out well for me.
Next week’s post will have more detail on my plans moving forward, but for now I hope that if you have felt anything resonate during this post, if you relate to feeling stuck or needing to escape your life, my love goes out to you and I hope you find the light and inspiration you are looking for. I’m always hear to chat in the comments if you need someone.