I hope you liked today’s post. I’ve been wanting to do more posts like this, just a jumble of my thoughts and experiences, helping me process what I’ve learned recently and hopefully helping some of you do the same. You can look for new blog posts on Pocketful of Poetry every Sunday, and if you hit the subscribe button you’ll be notified whenever I post! Have a lovely week.
2021 has been quite the year so far. I feel like over the past several months I’ve experienced a lot of what I guess you could call adult milestones, and have gained a lot of confidence in myself as a result. I moved for the first time in my adult life, to a bigger and much nicer apartment. I chose to finally go for something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and publish my first book. I started a YouTube channel and became more comfortable with posting my thoughts, opinions and words on the Internet. I feel like I’ve finally started truly chasing my dreams, intentionally trying to construct the life I actually want to live. And I’m very grateful for all of this, because it was definitely not always this way.
I’m sure I’m not the only one, but my transition to adulthood was a rocky one. Getting married really young and trying to balance the responsibilities of being a wife with also being on my own for the first time and having some semblance of independence and selfhood outside of marriage–it’s a tough balance to strike when you’re only nineteen. My confidence was really low, I second guessed myself on everything, and while I knew I wanted to live a meaningful life and pursue purpose I felt trapped and like I had no idea where to even begin.
Early adulthood can be such a hard, dark time to walk through in anyone’s life. Some have better support systems than others, some have more of a sense of purpose early in life, but regardless of your situation or position in life, I think most people in their early 20’s have at least occasional moments of major self doubt and confusion as to what they’re actually doing. I guess today’s post is my letter to anyone who might be feeling that way. Lost, alone, with a desire to be so much more but no idea where to start. I was you not so long ago. I still am you some days. But I know it gets better as long as we are staying on a path. Sometimes we don’t know whether or not it’s the right path, but if we just keep moving we’ll find it eventually.
In 2020 the culmination of all my confusion and depression hit me. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best way to understand that we need change in our lives. For me, I had to remember why I was living the life I was living in the first place. I had to realize that I was an adult who had full control over her own life decisions, no one was forcing me to live any specific way, and I had the responsibility to truly decide how I wanted to live.
I took the things I had been taught in childhood, and I asked myself sincerely which ones I wanted to keep as part of my core values, and which ones I needed to let go. I dove deep into my own heart and asked myself hard questions, for the first time unafraid of what the answers might be. I asked myself what kind of life I wanted to live, what values and principles I wanted to teach my children one day. I asked myself who I wanted to be, and what legacy I wanted to leave in this world after I’m gone. They’re not easy questions to answer, and it does take time to truly find the answers, but if we don’t ask them, we run the risk of staying lost.
I guess I’ve been on a journey over the last several months. A journey of learning from others and of listening to myself. I’m the only person who can decide what I believe. I’m the only one who can choose what I do and don’t ascribe to, and what is important to me. Perhaps that is why I finally feel that sense of confidence I was searching for for so long. Perhaps I’ve finally learned to stop looking to everyone but myself for validation. We all have intuition, whether you believe it’s from God or not, we all have that spark within us that guides us through life. So many groups and organizations, whether it’s governments or religion, will try to get you to doubt your own inner intuition. They’ll tell you that your own heart isn’t to be trusted, when really it’s the guide you were given to help you walk through life, and by trusting your gut instead of constantly looking outward for reassurance, you can find the happiness you have been searching for.