Maybe about five years ago, I discovered this website called futureme.org, where you can write a letter to your future self and have it emailed to you at any designated point in the future of your choosing. Of course back then I found the idea of receiving mail from my past utterly enchanting, but I never sent anything further ahead than 1 year because I was too impatient to wait longer which is kind of funny because you end up forgetting about it anyway. Which is kind of the point.
Today I received a letter from myself from one year ago. I’ve found that when I do receive these letters it’s more of a bittersweet experience than I expect it to be. I read this letter, clearly written on a sad day but still full of hope for a happier future. The girl who wrote that letter was one who had a dream that was constantly on her mind, the hope of which kept her going through days that seemed really difficult. The girl I am now is someone I actually don’t think she would recognize. My dreams have shifted shape until they look entirely different. Her greatest dream has become one of my biggest fears, and sometimes I wonder if that’s because it hurt too much to keep wanting it so badly and not getting it or if it’s because I woke up to the fact that I would never be as good at it as I wanted to be. Probably both.
This year has changed my perspective of the world and of myself so much. It’s been at moments terrifying and exhilarating, but most of the time its felt like emptiness and desperation. I’m really tired, and looking back at the Olivia from 2019 seemed like looking back to a simpler, sweeter and honestly just better time. So what was the point of this post? I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this way. If maybe that’s just how we’re doing here in 2020, looking back on the past fondly and wishing we could go back to it. Or maybe that’s just the way I am. I have this tendency to constantly romanticize the past and it has a tendency to make me miserable because I’m always feeling that things would be better if I could go back to a time like that.
So to end this on a more positive note, this week I’m going to work on being content with the present and trying not to constantly be wishing for something different. Each day I’m going to write a list of 5 things I’m thankful for in the here and now and focus on finding that happiness where I am.